It's over. All of it. I can feel that huge spasm opening up inside. I totally screwed up my exam today. I don't know how, or why. Scales were good. Very steady. Few mistakes. Same for my first piece. All was well. And then came my second piece, my steadiest piece. Or supposedly. It's my slowest song okay.

But somehow, at the end part of the second page of this Mozart, I crumbled. I don't know what happened. Granted, that part can be tricky cause I can forget the chords. But still. Yes that's what happened. I played one chord wrongly and screeched to a stop. It's no less horrible than it sounds. And this is grade 8. I want to just die. But I quickly glanced up, caught a hold of myself and carried on. The same thing almost happened later on. But this time I stopped only for the briefest fraction of a second so actually I don't think that counts. Third piece was good. I screwed up the end part. But I always did, mostly. It's fast, okay. Anyway I think so many sounds were overlapping each other the examiner couldn't hear the difference. At least I got my ending chords right. SLAM! :D

I thought the sight-reading was not too bad. But I was caught off guard when halfway through the short piece the key signature changed from Ab major to E major. I was like: OMG WHAT?! But I think it was okay. Aural was quite bad, as expected, or sort of. I think I got one chord named right. I said Supertonic. And the examiner asked me for the position. So I just guessed and said root. But for the chords naming I was like stumbling like: perfect er I mean Dominant and Tonic. -.-! But I think I got the gist of it. So then the describing the song was quite bad. She looked skeptical. But heck. I think it was actually a romantic piece but I said classical because everytime I said romantic last time I was wrong-.-! Anyway.

Don't think I'm so happy now from that cute little description of my hell of a day. The examiner was a nice British lady. She was fat though. Ah. I bet I'm fatter. Anyway, she's quite nice. But you never know. The evil that resides in all of us. I'm not saying she's evil. I'm actually prepared to embrace her for the nice lady she is. But I just don't want to fail. Correction: I can't. You may think that this is just piano but this is pretty big for me. I cannot fail. On top of that, I don't want to let down my piano teacher either. She's really nice and has coached me since I was 6. Not that there's any pressure but I just don't want to let her down. Yes. I had a nice little cry in the stupid taxi home. I don't know if the driver was freaked but oh well heck him.

I really, really can't fail. Really. I don't know what to do now. I need to find Jesus. I'm sure He won't let me down. He'll pass me like hell for sure. Hmm. That means I need to pray.

On another note: Nastia Liukin, American gymnast. Yes, I knew you could do it. And you just proved to the world today that American gymnasts trump the Chinese. Go America. I was rooting for US all along and I won't change ever! :) Nastia Liukin: OLYMPIC GOLD in the women's all-round. Yes! The Americans have showed the world that they are better, BETTER than the Chinese today! GO US!

And now look, just beyond my window is a nice tall block of flats. Nice and tall. Concrete. I wonder how long my jump would take before I can be absorbed away into the black viscousness of my despair. I can't take my exam again, do you understand? I just can't. My soul just shattered into a thousand pieces today. I don't know what to do. I shall seek out my Saviour.

Good night and good bye for ever.